Dear Mr. British House Spider,
GO. AWAY. Do you really have to creep into our living room to look for a mate? I mean, c'mon. Does our house look like a place for hunka hunka burnin' arachnid love? Well let me tell you something, I'm going to put a serious dent in your love life tonight, mister. And your head!
 | |
| The male house spider comes out in early September to look for a mate. |
Don't sit still on that carpet and stare at me! Stop it! STOP. IT. Damn you and your long, hairy legs! Now let me think...if I stomp on you that'll be one big mess on the carpet. But if I grab you with a tissue I'll feel you though the tissue, ew, ew, ew, EW! If I...
Hey! Come back here!! Where are you...dammit, get out from under that sofa!! Grrrrrrr...<pulls sofa away from wall.> Ahh, there you are. <Runs and gets vacuum cleaner.>
<Turns vacuum on> Right! Now then...hey, where'd you go?? <Looks around, panic-stricken> DAMMIT!
<Turns off vacuum and steps gingerly around the living room.>
<Slowly looks up.>
EEEEEK!!
<Runs out of the room as Mr. Spider jumps off the wall and scuttles across the floor.>
Hubby: What the hell is all that racket?
Me: <Innocently> Ohhh nothing. Um, I'm going upstairs. The living room's all yours, honey!
